♥^♥ A Marriage Made in Hell ♥^♥

© Kelvin Mason

Reverend Willy of the Church of Non-Stop Mining:

I am Reverend Willy of the Church of Non-Stop Mining. In the presence of Mammon the false god of riches and avarice; in the presence of Corruption, and Environmental Degradation we have come together to witness the marriage of Killer-Agent Consortium and Merthyr Tydfil Bowing and Scraping Council to pray for Rhodri’s blessing on them, to share the scraps from their plates and to celebrate their insatiable greed.

Dirty-Digger Killer-Agent Consortium, will you take Sell-out, Cringing Not-Awfully-Bright Merthyr Tydfil Bowing-and-Scraping Council to be your wife? Will you rob her blind, defile her landscapes, pillage her resources, and finally leave her in the lurch, and, not forsaking all others, be unfaithful to her as long as you both shall live – which won’t be long the way you’re going on?

Dirty-Digger Killer-Agent Consortium (slobbering horribly)

I will, will, will, will, will…

Reverend Willy:

Sell-out, Cringing, Not-Awfully-Bright Merthyr Tydfil Bowing-and-Scraping Council, will you take  Dirty-Digger Killer-Agent Consortium to be your husband? Will you give him free rein, bend over backwards for him, and pander to his every whim, protect him from justice, and, forsaking all others, be faithful to him as long as he desires to use and abuse you?

Merthyr Tydfil Bowing-and-Scraping Council (stupidly, naively…)

I will, yeth of courth

(Killer-Agent Consortium continually paws at Merthyr Tydfil Council, covering her white dress with coal-dust hand-prints)

Reverend Willy:

Will you, the yes-men, hangers-on, lap-dogs, toadies and cronies of Dirty-Digger Killer-Agent Consortium and Merthyr Tydfil Bowing-and-Scraping Council, support and uphold them in their foul and fetid union now, and in the 17 years of local pollution, dust and noise to come?

Congregation

We will, you bet your life – and millions of others.

Reverend Willy:

Dirty-Digger Killer-Agent Consortium and Merthyr Tydfil Bowing-and-Scraping Council I now invite you to join hands and make your vows, in the presence of Mammon and his toe-rags.

Dirty-Digger Killer-Agent Consortium, repeat after me:

I, Dirty-Digger Killer-Agent Consortium,

take you, Sell-out, Cringing, Not-Awfully-Bright Merthyr Tydfil Bowing-and-Scraping Council,

to be my wife, to have and to mistreat from this day forward;

for better, but mainly worse,

for richer (me), for poorer (the peoples of Merthyr and the world),

in sickness (and oh boy am I sick) and in wealth - oops, I mean health,

to abuse and to ravish, till I’ve dug all the coal; according to market forces.

In the presence of Mammon I make this vow.

(Reverend Willy turns to bride)

Merthyr Tydfil Bowing and Scraping Council, repeat after me:

I, Sell-out, Cringing Not-Awfully-Bright Merthyr Tydfil Bowing-and-Scraping Council,

take you, Dirty-Digger Killer-Agent Consortium,

to be my pimp, to have and to try desperately to hold onto from this day forward;

for better, but mainly worse,

for richer (you), for poorer (who cares),

in sickness (oh yes, you really are) and in stealth - oops, I mean health,

to give license to till you’ve dug all the coal and done a runner; according to market forces.

In the presence of Mammon I make this vow.

(Reverend Willy produces a pair of handcuffs):

Let these rings be to you Dirty-Digger Killer-Agent Consortium and Merthyr Tydfil Bowing-and-Scraping Council a symbol of short-term profits and fickleness, to remind them of the contract which they have signed this day in the blood of so many innocent people now and still to be born, through Rhodri Morgan, our Lord. 

Does anyone here present know a reason why these institutions may not marry and gorge like piggies at the trough?

(Over-riding all objections…) Yes. Well enough of that. Those whom Greed has joined together let no one put asunder.

I now pronounce you Amoral Corporation and Spineless Local Authority.

You may kill the bride.